Reoww!!

Thursday, June 03, 2004

A 'Very Feel' Post (Mabel named this for me)

Now, pleasantness aside. :) (Kidding)

When I first wrote this post, it was in the spirit of revenge. I was reading a blog airing some of my rather embarrassing first moments staying with my new housemate. My initial reaction, as seen above, was to immediately respond with a 'revenge post', as termed so pridefully by yours truly to those that cared to listen.

That occurred about two days ago. I'm not quite sure what happened between then and now to cause this delayed reaction - perhaps a lack of equipment to narrate my thoughts, perhaps the lack of material, perhaps the slight hesitancy to express all in truth. This last point perhaps speaks more than the rest - for it somewhat coins the foreign feelings that pop up more and more frequently nowadays.

Before your thoughts run wild, give me a chance to explain. In this blog, I frequently write to amuse. Whether I succeed, and to what degree - I usually only find out later (from the scant few readers that I have - but overly truthful people they be). These days, however, I find myself getting more introspective (as much as I can be la) - I don't really know why; perhaps I get a lot more solitude nowadays - last time I had this much was 2 years ago - when I was still in this country. Don't get me wrong - I actually enjoy it. I may even need it - though I've never been the best person to understand what my needs really are. :P

But I digress... lest I get accused for 'beating around the fucking forest', my point is this. If you are seeking the oft-proclaimed 'revenge post', it is not here - the mood has not arrived. I may have lost my touch, tho' I do surely hope not. :/ Instead, be warned that this is not the end of the post, not by far - and judging from my current state of mind, this may be pretty heavy-going. If you seek my usual mindless drivel, please be advised now to tune in another day. I promise it will return. :) Cheerio!

........

I left Melbourne on 1st of August, 2002, amidst much tears (largely my own) and regret (see previous bracket). I saw through the next coupla years with my usual nature - yet somehow, there was always a strange sense of displacement. I missed Melbourne with an often unspoken sadness - the food (of course, this takes precedence :) ), the weather, the streets, the people, the persons. Perhaps I missed the sense of familiarity I had then forged from so many years of living a certain type of life. Thinking back, I wonder whether that feeling was self-inflicted torture. I toyed often with half-formed plans of returning - always with the unwelcome self-knowledge that it was not possible then. Unfairly, I raised certain persons' hopes, always to disappoint again. (Have I ever said I'm sorry? I am... it has always been difficult.)

(Who am I to talk about disappointment - when I am a greater one myself)

As I tend to be rather closed-up by nature, God was probably the only one who truly understood my desire to return - goodness knows He is th eonly one I am able to speak the full truth with, and the only one to understand the disjointed desires of my messed-up heart.

And God, in His beautiful, perfect way, opened the path for me. (I am still trying to say Thank You properly).
I arrived in Melbourne on 28th May, 2004. It has been close to a week. The place is as beautiful as I remember it - as is the life. As for the people - the 2 years have strangely served to highlight characteristics of people that remind me why I love them so... and, might I add, just as they serve to miss some others.

Sigh - I never wanted to blog like this. But guess I needed some mode of expression. And as one given to nostalgia, I blame this post on 'one of those moments'. Thus, the failure to be vengeful. For sometimes, I don't know if I understand the subject anymore.

Don't fret, folks - Lid will be back again. ;)

. o O declared Lid at 1:43:00 AM